Chasing butterflies

Can't keep me away from falling for you.
As dangerous as it seems, I feel comfortable enough just to pretend that this fantasy is something real.
Not really sure what is going though. Never the one to fall in love but never the one to pretend something... Did something happen?
This is pretty stupid, I keep telling myself that I'm looking for a way to drown myself again in this miserable feeling that I just want to keep away from me.
What the fuck?
Am I really falling for this shit? That's not even possible.
Why the hell I keep trying to delude myself with these stupid fantasies when I should be working to get the hell out of here?
Sometimes I wonder what's going on.
It's not a whole mess though, but if things keep going this way, I'm going to blow them all.
Just need to ask myself.
Why the fuck would you fall in love?
With someone that resembles you of just one of these old days.
No butterflies for me, at least for now.
For months, maybe even years.

Disaster

 I'm a mess.
 I'm a big mess and a big disaster.
 I can't see through my soul and I know that some things are not meant to be, they don't happen because they want to, they just do it.
 I can't understand why you wanted to go, you just decided by yourself that this is the best for you and honestly, I think you're right because since you're far, then it's impossible to me to believe that I could do anything just to make you happy.
 And I can't. I can't make you happy but why I can't?
 Am I not good enough? Are you sick of me? Are you tired? What's going on?
 I keep asking the same question because I'm doing my best to understand why on earth we can't be together, why I can't stop trying to be by your side, why don't you believe me?
 I made promises, yes, but I'm fighting to keep them! You don't have the patience to wait for me? Because I'm always screwing things up and now you're completely full of me?
 I don't know what's going on, I'm not a perfect girl who's always beautiful, even in the morning, specially on television.
 So it's because I keep trying? Because if I gave up, will you believe me that I'm trying to do my best to make you happy?
 So why it's not enough? Why?
 I just think that some things are not good enough. I'm not good enough.
 And that's why loneliness loves me... Because I'm not good enough and I deserve to be alone.
 Without you.

Believer

 All I can see are targets with a red paint on the middle of it. Nothing seems right and nothing seems to make any sense to me since I'm going to screw things up again. All I can see are my worsts fears and I swear I can't do anything to avoid it... It's too complicated for other people to see and I'm too blind and too weak to fight against it.

 Since you came into my life things changed. Things changed in a way I couldn't explain with some stupid words. Things changed in a way I could only give you a smirk and pretend that everything is going to be okay. I just can promise, lying to myself and hiding the most real part of me. I can just wear a white mask and pretend to be okay. To believe in you, to trust people and to be completely normal. We can only pretend that you're mine and that I'm yours.

 Honestly, I don't think we're going through this... I'm not what you want and I don't want to find anyone here so I'm walking on my own, finding my own ways to get out of this situation and leave you alone before fucking things up again, even if you say that you're the one who always fuck things up... Well, here I am.

 Someway, there are no meanings for these mirrors behind me. There is no meaning in this letter, in these words that I worked hard to find out that nothing is going to make you believe me or just try to understand it.

 These are feelings. Bad feelings.

 Seems like I don't belong here and I'm pretty sure I don't.

Winter daydreaming.

 Sometimes, when I used to daydream, I thought about everything I used to be and I wanted to be. I thought about my words and all the luggage that I left somewhere that I can't even remember... I heard names and songs and I can't find out where they're coming from... I lost my mind and I didn't try to recognize my own misery because I wasn't able to keep my eyes opened... I'm such a shame.
 I had a black pen. A black pen writing my desperate letter to something that I can't deal with. I'm not sending this letter to someone I'm just keeping it with me to wait for another breathless second. Another tense night or another gaze just to showing me how much I lost when I left all that shit behind... I couldn't deal with my own actions, with my own melodies, with my own lovers, with my own life.
 Despite the fact that I want to sit right under this cherry tree and feel the gentle breeze kissing my lips while it tries to take some leaves away, I think about the fact that I would be happy if this thing called "time" doesn't exist because it wouldn't take me away from the ones I love the most and I could rest all by myself under this tree for an eternity. I could lay down in this green grass and close my eyes. Just one more time and I could feel all this pain coming back to break all the warmth my heart had. I would probably cry out and grab some grasses between one of my two fingers, pressing it again the other fingers while the coldness just hold me like the cool breeze is holding some pink leaves.
 I could probably die lying there by myself while my world keeps turning around to find some other soluction to keep me alive; Who I am and who I want to be.
 There's no answer, there's no breeze, there's not sweat anymore, there's no summer.
 The winter is still alive and it keeps leaving and coming as it pleases.